Teen Running World Simulation Program Denies Responsibility
"It's not my fault," said the 16-year-old, while also complaining that he doesn't get thanked enough. EXCLUSIVE: MUST CREDIT THE SHITSHOW ROOM.
Jacob, the teen running the world simulation program, told The Shitshow Room today that he denies any role in or responsibility for the deadly Jan. 6 attack on the US Capitol, and said that his management of the simulation over the past five years has been “totally appropriate.”
The 16-year-old Jacob, who continues to go by only his first name to protect his family, rejected the idea that he should step down from his role as overlord essentially running the world. “I am working on removing some bad guys who messed some stuff up, and as soon as I figure out who all of them are, things are going to be tremendous.”
Jacob initially had promised The Shitshow Room an exclusive peek at what he had planned for the inauguration of President-elect Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris on Wednesday, as well as a preview of what to expect in the first year of their administration. He had also hinted that he would discuss the pending Senate Impeachment trial of Donald Trump. But instead, Jacob ranted for nearly 90-minutes about how he has been “mistreated” during the past five years of running what he insists on calling, “The Sim.”
“It’s always ‘Trump, Trump, Trump,’” he said. “And ‘you made the Nazis come back’ and blaming me for Covid and QAnon, and the world falling apart and terrorist attacks, but no one ever says ‘Thank you, Jacob. The Sim is really good, Jacob.’ And you know what? That really sucks. I feel fucking unappreciated and I am doing a really good job.
“Listen, I didn’t just fuck up politics,” he continued, “I messed with everything else, too! Things you thought were normal and safe? Not anymore! And you complain, but you love it! A lot of people think this is all totally appropriate. They say no one has ever done a better job. Aunt Becky in a college admissions scam! Deflategate! Armie Hammer as a cannibal! No one thanks me for MeToo or, you know, The Cubs winning the World Series. Or all those toads and rat things that you thought were extinct that I brought back.
“Let me just ask you: Can you remember the names of any of the other kids who have run The Sim? No, of course you can’t because they were boring. I am the best.”
Asked about his responsibility for Trump supporters’ violent insurrection at the Capitol earlier this month, Jacob instead went on a meandering rant about the Academy Awards.
“OK, like the fucking Oscars. I did fun stuff there,” said Jacob. “We had that funny La La Land-Moonlight thing. And the good one, the one that they say is the good one, that did win. But Jesus Christ, like, who would have remembered that if I didn’t have that Faye Dunaway lady say the wrong one first! That is a classic.”
“And then Parasite won in 2020. Everyone liked that. But did anyone say ‘Thank you Jacob. That is a good thing, Jacob?’ No, of course not.”
Attempting to get Jacob back on topic, I asked about the insurrection again.
“It is not my fault,” he said. “Listen, that mob was fed lies. They were provoked by the president and other powerful people.
“Anyways, it is pretty much my first amendment right to totally program in an absolutely terrible scenario, wind people up with fake information, and then, let it ride. Look it up.”
Jacob then hung up the phone, only to accidentally butt dial The Shitshow Room again about 20 minutes later. The sound of Beavis and Butthead reruns in the background was all that could be heard on the line.
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